the not-quite-golden bough
by maybelling
Summary: "All of that, I get," Valkyrie said a moment later. "Like, it's weird, but most of these guys are weird, so whatever. What I still don't understand is why he's killing this tree—this apparently very important tree—with a mistletoe infestation."


"So you're telling me," Valkyrie said, "that this..."

"Terror Backsnapper," Skulduggery supplied.

She absolutely refused to say that name out loud. "That this _person _has done all of this, has had us running around chasing him for the past two months, all to get to the final stage of his master plan, which is...killing some ancient bloody tree for the Faceless Ones?"

It was cold. It was cold, and it was _wet_, and there was definitely slush sinking into Valkyrie's socks, she could feel it in the darkest depths of her heart, and that meant Valkyrie was sulking. It was also nearly Christmas, and that meant Skulduggery was unusually prone to sulking, although if you mentioned it to him that he'd say you were completely wrong, shut up, Valkyrie, my temperament is admirable as ever.

"Technically," Skulduggery said, "he intends to sacrifice the tree, not merely kill it. He sees it as the last remaining relic of a great insult to his gods, remember. It's a bit like when you stubbed your toe on that chair in the kitchen and then you set it on fire."

She tried to snort, but the icy air turned it into a rather undignified cough. Skulduggery patted her gently on the back a couple of times. "Take your time," he said, in the voice he used when he was trying not to laugh. Fortunately, she was a master of coughing and glaring at the same time.

"All of that, I get," she said a moment later. "Like, it's weird, but most of these guys are weird, so whatever. What I still don't understand is why he's killing this tree—this apparently very important tree—with a _mistletoe infestation_."

"Well, when you say it like that."

"Out of the hundreds of ways you could kill a tree, he picks probably the most boring one in existence. And this is coming from a guy who named himself Terror Backsnapper, for God's sake. I mean, if you have to go for an infestation, at least use termites or something mildly respectable, you know?"

"I wasn't aware that you were so passionate about this. Is it a hobby of yours?"

"Shut up." Valkyrie sneezed, then held out a hand to Skulduggery. He placed a tissue on her waiting palm. "Thank you. But seriously, why mistletoe?"

He shrugged. "It has some vague healing connotations in their religion, and there are cultures that consider it to have magical properties. 'Tis the season, after all."

"So they say." It certainly didn't _feel _like the season of joy and giving when there was slush in her boots. "Whatever. I just want to get home where it's warm and there's a bed and there's _food_. That you're going to cook, by the way."

"Have I ever told you how appreciated you make me feel?" The Bentley stopped, and when Valkyrie looked out her window she saw that the backup they'd called had arrived before them, and was loitering around the curb.

"No, but feel free to start any time you like," she answered with a grin.

l

It didn't take them very long to find the ash tree, because it was the only ash tree for thirty miles, and also the only _tree _for thirty miles, and also there was a man standing beneath it splattering the trunk with blood. He looked pale, and slightly frazzled, and like exactly the sort of person who would name himself Terror Backsnapper, Valkyrie thought.

"I don't know if we'll be able to take him," she said dryly. "He looks like he may be a little out of our league."

"Oh, certainly. Perhaps we should leave this one to the professionals?"

Valkrie managed a proper snort this time, and Skulduggery chuckled.

It all happened very fast. One moment they were approaching Terror, who didn't look like he had anywhere near enough energy to put up a fight, and the next there was something hot whizzing past her leg and Skulduggery's arms around her waist, and she was hovering five feet in the air with him, between the branches of the ash tree. A bit of the heat had clipped her knee, and it seemed like the world had flipped itself upside down. She blinked a couple of times.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Valkyrie glanced beneath them and saw that Terror had been tackled to the ground by Sanctuary mages. It was a few seconds before her mind cleared, allowing her to speak. "What happened?"

"I'm not entirely certain." He cocked his head. "I'd be glad that you didn't get hit with the full blast, though."

"I very definitely –" She felt something falling onto her hair, and she stopped to pick it out.

"Ah, yes," Skulduggery said while she examined the bit of greenery in her hand. "The mistletoe infestation. Would you like to have a few angry words with it? I'll wait."

"Shut up," she said. They both looked up and saw a thick, unsightly clump of mistletoe hanging down from the branch above them. There was another small limb of mistletoe that had broken off from the rest and was dangling precariously in the air, as if only hanging on by a thread.

"Oh, my God," she said. There was definitely still slush in her boots, and it felt terrible. "This is so ridiculous."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he said fondly.

She tilted her glance down to him and he was already looking at her, and she noticed that his hat must have fallen off when he'd flown her up here, and she laughed and the world still seemed a little blurry, and the only thought she seemed capable of producing was, Why not?

"Oh, my _God_," Valkyrie repeated. Then she worked her arms free from her sides and kissed Skulduggery on the teeth.

After a few seconds she broke away. "Are either of you going to help?" yelled one of the mages down.

"Just a moment," Skulduggery shouted back, something rich like laughter coloring his voice. He leaned forward towards her again.


End file.
